While having my eyes half closed one morning in a hotel while traveling home from a subpar tournament, this revelation came to me and I thought I should share it. Some of the stuff may sound a tad negative but let's all think positive and work together to stop the madness. Let's get this party started:
10. Yellow Cheese on everything - The Culinary Arts School of fast food at some time developed a mandate to put yellow shredded cheese on every possible dish served. Okay, I'll give in, a little is fine.....but a giant pile on everything just gets in the way and requires removal. First of all, I'm not even sure it is cheese. Did you ever have that rogue piece of cheese fall between the seat or find a lost sandwich wrapper a month later....the cheese still looks the same. I think it's ingredients are yellow dye #5 and wood pulp.
9. I would like an "UN" sweet tea please!, and a little bit of ice! - Okay, staying on the food kick here. I would love your help on this one so please write in! What do I have to say to get and "UN" sweet tea? I have said "NON" sweet and that has come as sweet. I have said "DIET" Tea and that has come as diet soda. The problem is that I drive away before I realize this every time. I would try it while I'm still in line, but menopause woman (I'll get to her later) behind me with 9 teenagers in the car lays on the horn to push me along every time. So being stubborn as I am, I rot in line again to get my drink corrected, try it in line to make sure it's right regardless of who is behind me, then I drive away and take my next sip as I turn around the corner and get the familiar "bubbly wind" sound of the bottom of the drink....."What!!! Two sips and it's gone! Then I look inside and the entire thing is stuffed to the top with ice leaving room for 1 ounce of tea.....and therefore forcing me to drink from the 1/2 used moldy smelling gallon jug of water from last weeks tournament that was baking in the heat on the floor of my truck all week. What a catastrophic chain of events!
8. Eleven dollar launch fee - Bad enough it's this much, anything over 5 bucks is ridiculous as far as I'm concerned, but "eleven" dollars! Who arbitrarily made the price eleven dollars? Were there a couple guys sitting around the table saying twelve was too much and ten was too little then someone got the genius thought of making it eleven? It's an insult as far as i am concerned, I rather 15 bucks! When someone just makes up a price like that at least make it a round-number-ridiculous price so we feel better about being ripped off. You get the point....
7. Crusty the Dehydrated B-Vitamin Clown - I may be a conspiracy theory of mine, but somehow the clown that hasn't drank any water in 2 days and is completely amped up on b-vitamins follows me around the country and times using the public bathroom exactly 1 hour before me and manages to pee all over the seat. The memory remains. Who is that masked man???
6. Hotel Deodorant - Ok, I rather the room smell like dirty feet then a mix of deodorant powder, mold and dirty feet. Who at one time thought that stuff smelled good? I think the cleaning lady is like the "Fresh Ground Pepper" skit from SNL. "A little fresh ground deodorant for you sir..."...just grinding it all over everything! The stuff is completely rancid smelling, and I have come to the conclusion that any hotel room under the price of $79.99 per night is subject to deodorant smell beyond tolerant levels....and your cloths and luggage will smell like that for the remainder of the trip.
5. Shredded iceberg lettuce salad - When you finally sit down for a meal on the road you at least want to have something decent. The shredded iceberg lettuce salad sets the precedent for the rest of the meal. I mean, not even a sign of a carrot slice or a tomato....just shredded iceberg lettuce with gross dressing! You know that same lettuce was yesterdays lunches sandwich lettuce which became todays coleslaw and then was magically converted into today's dinner salad. It makes you dread what is coming next for dinner....I could almost guarantee it has yellow cheese in the mix and maybe the same lettuce as the taco lettuce. Someone tell these people that Romaine lettuce and a couple shreds of carrots and a cherry tomato will not put the establishment into bankrupcy!
4. The "Parking Lot Loiterer" and "Driving Miss Menopause" woman - This one is unfortunately a tie for number 4 and the scene of both crimes is a simple parking lot. The loitering parking lot guy first - You know, we all love to talk to spectators, fans and even random people here and there because conversation ultimately gets people interested in what we do and the products we endorse. So please, no negative feedback on this because I as well as most of the fishermen go out of their way most times to talk to folks in all places about all topics. But the guy that seems to live in the hotel parking lot and mope around your boat or truck while you are rigging tackle and trying to get work done is just plain annoying. The problem is this: If he actually had some intelligent questions or something to say AT ALL, then I would have no problem shooting the bull while I rigged my tackle or worked on whatever. But if he just stands there and stares for 10 minutes at a time sippin on a smooth one, it becomes a little scary quite frankly. Here are the four most notable ques that he is the guy I am talking about: 1.)Usually he is holding a paper bag with a bottle in it 2.) has a wife beater t-shirt on with cast-off blood spatter on it 3.) there is no sign of a hotel room you could associate him with in any way, he may live in the storm drain for all I know?? 4.) when he finally does talk, he says he knows a guy who knows a guy who's ex-girlfriend Shirley has an uncle who is a "Pro Fisher".....for catfish????
Now for round 2, "Driving Miss Menopause" - This is simply the perpetually irate 50 something woman that will run you over or any man, woman or child to get that one parking spot 5 feet closer to the door of any venue where it is advantageous to laziness to be closer to the door. YOU ALL KNOW HER. Her purse has massive Christmas tree like ornaments hanging from it and is like the size of a Waste Management Dumpster.....and what's in it???? Who the heck knows? You will see her on the next episode of "Hoarders, Buried Alive" or "Flavor of Love".... maybe both....and she will run you down with her massive under "utilized" sports "utility" vehicle if you give her that chance!
3. "The Restaurant Clownsuit" - Important Memorandum - The tournament is over when you leave the weigh-in. If you are seen 6 hours later at Applebee's having a tall-one with your tournament jersey on, then you are one of them. The waiter at Applebee's does not fish and will not buy from the spinnerbait company you have embroidered on the top left corner of your jersey. And you are not "cool" wearing it out to eat 6 hours later. Thank you for your attention on this matter.
2. No receipt paper at the gas pump - This is a real treat for me. It's even a bigger treat when it's cold, raining or late at night and you just want to get on your way. You see, I save gas receipts for tax purposes, most of us do. No paper in the reel is mostly due to one of two things: 1.) a ploy to get you to come in the store and buy a drink and a candy bar...ect. 2.) Utter laziness of the owner or cashier. Nothing good could come out of either and it only creates disgust. My solution is to firmly remind them each time there is no paper in the reel and to never return to that gas station EVER again. I also never buy an item in the store if there is no paper in the receipt reel outside. Ploy failed.....I win!
1. WALL-E The Wall Unit - My favorite of all, the wall unit! Otherwise know as heater/air conditioner in most crappy hotel rooms. You see, the ideal situation to control the hotel room temperature all night would be a thermostat....not rocket science. Most rooms do not have that option though. R2D2 in the corner by the window holds the controls to the destiny of your nights sleep. Here's the deal....most wall units have three settings: Warm, Fan, Cool or Red, White, Blue. I would prefer a more thorough description like: Blazing Magma Roastfest, Simply Blowing Moldy Deodorant Air Around, The Great American Freeze-out Polar Bear Club Reunion! Solution - Drive the stock of wall units down by never returning to hotels that use them.
Hope you can all relate, watch out for, and/or help change...
later....-dw